Decide

I realize it has been many weeks since my last post. Sometimes it seems as if life can sweep you up and set you back down a few weeks later.

Today’s post could be about Rhode Island, Minnesota, France, and New Zealand now having marriage equality, but it’s not. However, in order to even get anywhere near the altar, we must first handle the idea of dating. Relationships take a lot of work. I mean a lot. It is a mutual exchange of two people sacrificing certain things to gain other things. For instance, you might give up a pick-up game of basketball to go on a date with your boyfriend. However, he in return will give you a massage while you watch your favorite TV show even though he doesn’t like it.

No one gets it right even 75% of the time let alone every day you are together. However, there is a commitment. A silent rule that claims profoundly that the higher the value you have for someone the more willing you are to make it work.

Gay men are stereo-typed by being over sexed and incapable of a lasting relationship. Why is that? Well, there are many influences that go into what is now seemingly a subset of the culture as a whole, but bluntly speaking, I think it’s fear. I think it is easier for gay men to live in that stereo-type, to be what society sees them as, because society no longer challenges the notion of being gay. They challenge the belief that gay is as normal as straight which includes lasting, sometime challenging, and most importantly loving relationships.

Obviously, not every relationship that you enter is going to last. However, as cliché as it might be, it is important to listen to your heart over your head. This requires you to participate in an inner dual. Please, do not run away from uncertainty. For, it may be the only thing that is certain in your life. You must challenge why you think the way you think, how you can see a situation in a different light, and how you can sustain the most happiness. I’ve always hated the claim, that many make in a relationship, about having the other person “complete” them. That to me seems crazy that you are not complete in and of yourself, but I do recognize having another person make you a better you. One that is complete in his own essence with an additional strength, a fortification, of one’s nature.

On your romantic journey, be searching not for someone who is exactly what you want, but who is exactly what you need. Yes, this is a vague claim that lacks the bullet points necessary for a direct change. However, if you think on what that means, on why you want what you want, you realize your wants are just over-compensations. Your needs being fulfilled will give you a lasting butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling, a feeling that is unexplainable, and yet, so familiar. You must decide if that feeling is present in the relationship or not. I wish you the best of luck.

Love gay life even when it’s messy because it means you’re starting to figure it out.

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Straight Obsessed Culture

We live in a patriarchal society where men have control, leadership, and are ascribed a sense of higher value and purpose. It is simply the nature of beast. We want our women to be tough, masculine, assertive, and even wear shoulder pads if need be. To have femininity, even as woman, is seen as a weakness within the very essence of the being. This is the reasoning a woman in a power suit is seen as admirable but a man in drag is seen as lowering himself because we value woman as being less than men.

Before I go any farther, I must address a term that I am going to use quite frequently in the rest of the post, that being the “gay community”. I struggle with this assignment simply because I don’t think such a community exists. After all we wouldn’t say the straight community because the chances of two random straight people being so similar that we could group them in an entire orientation-ethnic group would be just silly. I believe there are as many colors of the rainbow within this gay community as there is the greater society. However, there do seem to be common threads of thought and participation in certain ways of being. I do not think this is because we are all gay, but it is a result of being gay that society treats us a certain way in which our marginalization creates common ideas.

For the most part, the gay community is obsessed with all things masculine and straight-acting. One would ask why a group of people, who tend to be more in tune with their femininity, would so desperately want a “masc” (masculine) guy. It seems the answer is within the question. Gay people do tend to pick up the frequency of feminine nature more easily than that of a straight male. However, it is this ability that makes many feel inadequate within our culture of masculinity. It is a form of over-compensation to be obsessed with masculinity, physicality, or even material objects. It is a desperate cry for acceptance. Gay men are good at keeping face and making sure the outside looks good because they are judged only by the outside so much of the time. It is not a result of being gay, but rather, a result of society not liking that they’re gay. It is the same concept that interweaves into the psychology of gay men concerning sex. The act of any sexual relation with another man, at one time, was a crime punishable with jail time and fines. Sex was a source of rebellion and was ingrained into the very fabric of gay culture as a way to have power when they were powerless. It is easy to judge the gay community at face value because so many of the stereo-types seem to fit a vast majority of the group. However, upon closer inspection you see that many of those stereo-types have a lineage and history that in a weird sheltered so many gay people from the outside world.

I challenge those who are gay to find another layer of acceptance within them. To the gay man that sees feminine gays as being less than, annoying, or somehow bad for the gay community, I challenge you to take a bigger step out of the closet. Embrace those other gay men around you even if they are different or aren’t your cup of teas because there is enough hate coming from as is.

Love gay life because you get to walk a line of masculinity and femininity that no other person on the planet can experience.

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Prop 8: What’s the Point?

This week the country, and the world, will turn their eyes to the U.S. Supreme Court as it listens, discerns, and eventually makes a decision on Prop 8 and on DOMA. The court could take this great moment and powerful opportunity to rule very narrowly and have impacts only on California or not make any change at all. On the other hand, they could stand as a beacon of light for the nation and world and rule broadly. So broadly in fact, they could potentially end the banning of same-sex marriages in the United State of America. Many will debate the origins, purposes, forms, and overall meaning of marriage, the very word marriage, and the context in which it has been used throughout history. There will be those who will try to undermine marriage equality by saying that it is not natural, isn’t godly, has no purpose (due to inability to conceive children), leads to the destruction of civilization, indoctrinates our children into being gay, or even the destruction of the entire institution of marriage itself. Sounds like a bad 80′s movie doesn’t it? You know where there is some blob that has no real definition that will somehow kill everyone but no one really knows how. That is what those who go against marriage equality are doing. They are making gay citizens out to be monsters by using media scare tactics, religious shaming, and false evidence to make it seem like a horrible thing that will somehow get you in your sleep. So instead of dwelling on those who oppose marriage equality, I wanted to focus on common sense, rationality.

First thing first, how does the marrying of a gay couple interfere with the marriage of a straight couple? By allowing marriage equality, do you have to lose your marriage rights, benefits, love? No? After all, the thousands of straight marriages that take place in this country every year have no effect on me now. Secondly, I must bring up the fact that other states have already passed marriage equality, some for years, and their governments haven’t fallen, their children haven’t all become gay, in fact most people don’t care and have no idea when a gay couple is married; there is no bell, sign, public service announcement, or flyers posted about a gay wedding. No, in fact, most people keep living their lives not phased. They only people really affected are the gay couple who now file differently come tax season.

Marriage equality has no effect on your religious freedom. If you think that the gays are going to hell, you can still think that. If you think God doesn’t see two people’s commitment, overwhelming love, and hearts just because they are gay, you can still think that. If your church or minister wants nothing to do with gay people, a marriage involving a gay couple, or hosting the monthly amateur drag show, then you don’t have to do anything.

If you are looking for the federal government, the states, the legislators as the example of what is “right” and you see the nation not fully supporting marriage equality, like the nine states that have created specific legislature banning it; please remember, that even in 1967 there were sixteen states who still banned interracial marriages. It was the youth of that time that saw the ridiculousness in banning interracial marriages and I hope it is the youth of this time that see it now.

If you think the idea of a civil union sounds nice, I would encourage you to think again. There are a little over 1,100 perks a married couple receives compared to that of a civil union. They are not the same and anyone who argues differently is not being honest.

Love is the root of this issue and will continue to be the fuel that pushes gay citizens to equality. If you value love, the idea of love, the creation and spread of love, then you will voice your support for marriage equality; It is that simple. Anything you come up with will just be fear sneaking into your psyche. My love for another man has no effect on your love for whomever you love. In fact, it is none of my business who has stolen your heart and hidden the key. So why is it the business of the nation to determine if my love is worthy enough for your acknowledgement?

Love gay life because through fighting for your rights you can appreciate them so much more than those that were simply given them.

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Gay Mission of Love

As a college student, a poor college student, I work anywhere from twenty to thirty hours a week as a waiter at a restaurant that shall remain nameless. It is my job to greet every table, welcome every guest, and give the best service I can give with a smile, a chuckle, and even a warm compliment. In order to do this task well I must trust that the customer, on some level, will interact with me accordingly and hopefully reflect that interaction with a big tip. However, this doesn’t always happen.

I was having a decent shift with lots of big laughs and small talk which usually means I am doing pretty well. I was sat another table that greeted me with stiff looks, no responses to my questions, and an overall sour disposition. Now, I have had guests like this before, and it is my responsibility to give them the best service as possible and not let their attitude affect their experience at the restaurant. However, as the night went on, I could tell that their problem wasn’t with each other or from an experience before coming in to dine but with me personally. I saw their judgments and I heard their sneers. Their opinions of me were not muffled by public perception. To make a long story short, they ended up leaving me three dollars on a forty five dollar bill (about six percent) and wrote, “GAY”, next to the tip line.

I found this story to be so relevant coming in such close proximity to the last post about word choice and the word faggot. My character, my background, and my personhood were all ignored; the only thing able to be processed by these bigots was the fact that I was gay. As hard as it was, I kept my composure and continued on with my evening. It is so important to me that my children grow up in a world that ignores skin color, gender, religion, and sexuality; that they develop in a world that sees them for who they are based on how they treat others. If I were to get mad and lose my head in the restaurant, that wouldn’t have changed their minds. In fact, it would have reinforced any other negative idea they had of me in their opinions. We MUST greet hatred with love.

Love gay life because there are those who want you to hate it and hate yourselves; we must prove them wrong.

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Faggot: It’s Not Just a Word

Words are powerful beyond measure not because they can do harm but because they can give permission to do anything. By using words, I can give permission to take my property, abuse my finances, or even steal a piece of my heart. Often times, as people, we are treated as a unit; our individuality is stripped from us and, in the larger sense, our essence is dependent on others. This factor is the cause of so much pain in the world; this causes us to be efficient instead of compassionate, quick instead of invested. By doing this, we become numb to the living breathing bodies that surround us in our daily life and forget all sense of their value.

FAGGOT! FAAAAAAAAGGGGGGOOOOTTTTT!

Somehow, we have spread a message that this word is not only OK but is somehow protected within a bully’s right of freedom of speech. We have propagated a word full of disgust, hate, and anger. This word is simply not acceptable, period. For you see, someone saying this word isn’t bothered, or even concerned, with the impact of their speech. No, they want to label someone different than them as being less than. This word isn’t just a label; it is a position of submission and weakness. Faggot is an abstract, an idea; it is synonymous with Nigger, Spic, Chink, or Towel head. These words are meant not to identify the vast differences within our society, but to oppress a particular group and dehumanize them. See, if they can knock down a group, like gays, to a level of subhuman then they no longer have to listen. By doing this, they are attempting to silence our cries and muffle our screams. If this word is being said around you, it is your duty, not as a gay activist but as a human being, to address situation, inform others of the impact of their words, and try to send them a message of love because love beats hate every time.

Problems also occur from within particular groups. It saddens me when I hear gay men and women call other gay people by discrimination terms. By giving laugh or saying it is a “term of endearment”, we are giving permission to the world to continue to see us as faggots instead of people who happen to be gay.

Love gay life enough to respect all those who came before us and dealt with more social oppression then just being called faggot.

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Illinois’ Fight

As of late last night, Illinois is one step away from having marriage equality. Illinois has had a long history of being a progressive state and producing progressive people, the most famous being Abraham Lincoln. Illinois was the first state in the union to dissolve their anti-gay relations law and jumped on board with civil unions about two years ago. This, however, was not enough for the hundreds of thousands of gay couples throughout the state. In the beginning of 2013, the Religious Freedom and Marriage Equality Bill made its way to the Senate Executive Committee where it passed to go on to the Senate. In the Senate, many nay-sayers offered distractions and tried to stir fear by making claims of social upheaval. However, most of the Senate members were able to see past the theatrics to the heart of the issue: love. It passed in the Senate where just yesterday it was discussed in the House Executive Committee. Again, there were those who warned against the destruction of the family as if gay people hadn’t been involved in their families’ lives before the bill. Those who spoke out against the bill were ultimately defeated and the bill will go to the House. The governor of Illinois has already said publically that he will sign the bill if it passes in the House. So, we are just one vote away from having one fifth of the nation support marriage equality.

A few points I wanted to make concerning those who are fighting the advancement of this bill:

Gay people exist. They interact with straight people in numerous ways, in varying careers, and will continue to do so even if this bill doesn’t pass. If you do not see homosexuality as a gift from God, like I do, that’s OK. If you think it is a sin, which is punished by eternal flames, then that is OK too. Gay people don’t want to be married in churches that hate them or preach their orientation as the ultimate sin. They just want tax benefits, visiting rights, and all those things that the state acknowledges as something special under the title of marriage. This bill does not affect churches or religious freedoms; it simply tells gay people that the state sees them as equal, and that their love is as much as a contribution to the state as any other straight couple. Often times people equate gay with sex, that sex and love are completely the same; it’s not. The fact that someone is gay is an attraction that cannot be controlled; sex is an expression of that. Think about it, when there is a straight couple who are both in their nineties and one of them dies, do you think the first thing they will miss is the sex?

No, they will grieve and mourn the loss of someone who they invested in, laughed with, cried with; they will mourn the loss of someone who engaged their heart and held it captive. That is love. That is what gay men and women are fighting for so tenaciously.

Love gay life because there isn’t enough love in the world.

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So God Made A Gay Man

Here is a video that I found to be inspiring and insightful. It will speak for its self.

 

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You Are More

I am a gay man. Many within our society and culture will begin to label, judge, misinterpret, condemn, uphold, love, hate, critique, and possibly question my entire being based on this fact. There will be those who will suddenly feel “called” to “save” my soul or who hate my “choices”. But, there will also be those who acknowledge and celebrate my sexuality as something special beyond the dogma of religion and superstition. Regardless, as a gay man, you cannot put your self-worth in the merciless hands of others, even if they are positive hands.

Society tells gay men that it is in charge of whether or not they fit. This is true in some regards but undeniably false in others. It is important, even dire, that gay men begin to feel their self -worth growing from within their gut instead of from the mouths of the media. I read an interesting tweet the other day that was from a young college gay man in which he proclaimed his own self-worth based on the fact that equal marriage was now in his state. I couldn’t help but feel so much sadness for him. As someone who is gay in this culture, there will always be those who hate us, period. I am gay. I do have many faults. However, my sexual orientation isn’t a fault. It is an aspect of my personhood just like the blue eyes, lanky body, or cackle that I possess that could probably clear a room. I so want and dream of a time in this nation where a gay couple holding hands in the middle of Indiana is as normal as the corn fields. Until that time, we must continue to spread a message of love for ourselves, for those who support us, but especially those who are against us. Love gay life because it’s the only one you got.